aMy father was a big Marvel and DC fan. He always watched every new movie and every new show that was within the universes. That is something we shared. I don’t know who was invested first in the franchise, but he became more committed than I, especially after I started my degree program and spent most of my time studying.
After discovering my ‘triggers’ for grief a few weeks back, I started to explore other avenues. Such that I could choose the time and place to induce the grief, ride it for the rest of the evening then go to sleep and start fresh. Marvel movies were the next logical option. I have been angry at the universe for not letting my dad see Avengers EndGame before passing. He was so dedicated, the least he deserved was to see the finale. But alas, he missed both Captain Marvel, EndGame and Spiderman. Since he had a complete set of all the movies, I decided it was only fitting for me to keep it going. I purchased the most recent three movies to complete his collection. I knew watching EndGame would be hard but I wasn’t ready for how hard it was actually going to be. Endgame was a great film but was filled with so many ‘father’ moments. Even the opening scene with Clint having a loving moment with his father. I was crying within minutes. Then to see Scott’s distress and relief upon seeing his daughter, though five years older, alive and well after the snap. What put me over the edge was Tony’s death. Yes, I knew it was coming, I had read the spoilers, the movie has been out since April, but I didn’t know he had a daughter. Tony’s behavior when he was at deaths door was a lot like my own father’s. Not being able to make eye contact, not responsive, just a few mumbles here and there. Inside I was screaming as Peter did but could not bear to burden him with my inner turmoil. So I did as Pepper did. I said the words I was dreading. That we were fine, that I was fine, and that I would be okay, that he could finally let go. Hearing those words from Pepper sent me back to a place in my life I had not been to since it happened. Then at Tony’s funeral, to see his daughter not truly recognizing what had happened, just as I denied the truth of the matter for months. Seeing all of Tony’s friends gathered close to care for each other and to care for her. This was similar to my own experience at the memorial. This movie resonated with me on such a deep level for where I am in my life at the moment. The entire movie was ripe with grief, it surprisingly explored the ways we all deal with grief. From Clint going on a rampage to Thor just checking out. I could see my own experiences reflected in their stories. Many times, I wanted to turn to alcohol as the solution, I felt so much better being a bit tipsy, but my partner wouldn’t let me. I wanted to be angry but kept myself in reserve. Instead I ended up keeping it all inside. How fitting it is that this last movie is spiked with the death of my father. This is an end to many things all at once. I can go on and on talking of the parallels and how the movie made me feel, but this is a blog post, so I will cut it short. I spent the rest of the evening crying until my eyes were swollen shut. It was hard to find sleep. I woke in the morning with stinging eyes and a tired mind. I hope that these cathartic moments will pay off and I am not just inflicting pain on myself for no reason.
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Madison Arza KennedyThis blog is to document my journey through my PhD while dealing with the early loss of my father Tom Kennedy. Archives
March 2020
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