Lately, I have been becoming more comfortable with my grief and the overwhelming emotions that accompany the state of mind. The last time I really cried with heaving sobs, short breaths, eyes swollen shut, was when my father was diagnosed with cancer. It had been the week after Thanksgiving, he was found passed out on the floor of his shop. He had been there for two days, alone and feverish. The news of this horrific situation along with his diagnosis of brain cancer sent me reeling. Before my mom even uttered the words I was crying, all she had to say was "your dad.." and I was gone. Since that visceral display of emotions more than a year ago I have been unable to cry again. Yes, I would cry, but it was always an overflow of emotions that I was holding back, I had yet to recognize or acknowledge the state my father and I were in. I would get overwhelmed with anxiety for my safety and the safety of those I love and would find myself crying. They were not at face value tears for my father, but they were, I'm sure, related to the inner turmoil I was refusing to accept.
I have been told by many people that in order to process grief I need to make space and time for it. Since I am in graduate school I felt that I did not have time to process these new emotions. I wanted to just move on, pretend that my dad was still waiting for me at home, and get my degree. But as I did this, my degree and work was suffering. I could barely do any wet lab tasks without having a panic attack. I knew that I needed to cry and express the emotions over the loss of my father, but I didn’t know where to start. I had begun to make progress at my father’s memorial when my mom gave her speech, but it was quickly halted by a over the top speech given by my father’s ex wife. This was helpful since I could give my entire tribute without breaking down, but it felt worse. I was on the precipice of something, of releasing the pressure within me, only to have it corked up again. It wasn’t until I got Spotify that I began to find my trigger and outlet. A way that I could feel close to my father and I could regulate the expression of grief. I am connected to my father through music and movies. While setting up my new playlists on the app I stumbled upon “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd, one of his favorite bands. With just a few opening chords I was lost in tears, big heaving sobs. For the rest of the night I was lost to the grief but went to sleep and the next day I awoke groggy with sore eyes. But I felt a little bit better. This journey is all about doing what is needed to feel a little bit better, day after day. I now know how to make space for the grief and space to be with my father again.
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It has been difficult to experience the emotions surrounding my fathers passing let alone write about it here in the blog. My intention was for this blog to be a way for other students to see how you can undergo trauma and still persevere through graduate school. Now it is difficult to show if I am still pushing away the feelings of grief and loss. We all deal with these events in different ways. Mine has been to pretend that nothing is different. That I am just in a different city than my parents and that I should be focusing on my studies. Though productive, this is not necessarily a productive way to work through grief.
Despite avoiding the emotions associated with the loss, I do try to carry my father with me no matter what I am doing. He had a money clip that he used every day that I now clip to my backpack or purse. He had a necklace that he wore for a lot of his life and he wore when he met my mother. When I need extra encouragement and support I wear that necklace. The necklace is my good luck charm for presentations. My father was always the one to help me prepare for major presentations, even since I was little. He would help me get over the nerves and "speak slower, speak clearer, and speak louder". He was the constant that I need in my life. He was grounded and would help me process the emotions a felt coming up to a big presentation. It helps me to wear his necklace as a reminder of his support. Many times I now think I am only in graduate school for him and I will finish my degree for him. Monday, I picked up his wedding ring that I had resized to fit my finger. I wore it that night and had the first cathartic cry since the memorial more than four months ago. I wore it all day Tuesday and seeing it while I lectured and while I did work in the lab was the small little hug that I needed to proceed. However you can find to incorporate your loved one into your life can help. Even if its the little things. I still can't look at pictures of him for too long, but I can carry him with me. |
Madison Arza KennedyThis blog is to document my journey through my PhD while dealing with the early loss of my father Tom Kennedy. Archives
March 2020
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