It has been difficult to experience the emotions surrounding my fathers passing let alone write about it here in the blog. My intention was for this blog to be a way for other students to see how you can undergo trauma and still persevere through graduate school. Now it is difficult to show if I am still pushing away the feelings of grief and loss. We all deal with these events in different ways. Mine has been to pretend that nothing is different. That I am just in a different city than my parents and that I should be focusing on my studies. Though productive, this is not necessarily a productive way to work through grief.
Despite avoiding the emotions associated with the loss, I do try to carry my father with me no matter what I am doing. He had a money clip that he used every day that I now clip to my backpack or purse. He had a necklace that he wore for a lot of his life and he wore when he met my mother. When I need extra encouragement and support I wear that necklace. The necklace is my good luck charm for presentations. My father was always the one to help me prepare for major presentations, even since I was little. He would help me get over the nerves and "speak slower, speak clearer, and speak louder". He was the constant that I need in my life. He was grounded and would help me process the emotions a felt coming up to a big presentation. It helps me to wear his necklace as a reminder of his support. Many times I now think I am only in graduate school for him and I will finish my degree for him. Monday, I picked up his wedding ring that I had resized to fit my finger. I wore it that night and had the first cathartic cry since the memorial more than four months ago. I wore it all day Tuesday and seeing it while I lectured and while I did work in the lab was the small little hug that I needed to proceed. However you can find to incorporate your loved one into your life can help. Even if its the little things. I still can't look at pictures of him for too long, but I can carry him with me.
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Madison Arza KennedyThis blog is to document my journey through my PhD while dealing with the early loss of my father Tom Kennedy. Archives
March 2020
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